Due to his owner's negligence, a dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor dog notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
Just then, the dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. The dog immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching leopard. Just as the jungle cat is about to leap, the dog loudly says, "My, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard slinks away. "That was too close," thought the leopard, "that dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a mischievous monkey had observed the entire scene, and decided to cause trouble for the dog, while getting on the good side of the leopard as well. The monkey dashed off after the leopard, to tell him what truly happened.
The dog saw the monkey dash off, and suspiciously tailed him from behind. He overhears the monkey spilling the beans, and quickly decides on a course of action, racing back to the pile of bones.
At the same time, the leopard has decided to take care of the dog once and for all. The monkey hops on the leopard's back, to watch the demise of the doomed dog. As the leopard approaches, he can hear the dog talking to himself: "Where's that lazy monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago for another leopard, and he's still not back!"
This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it's funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well,
I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!’ gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'
Tripod?
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
In a Cabinet meeting this morning, Donald Rumsfeld reported to the President and the cabinet....... He said, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq.”
The President says, "Oh, my God!" and buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet is stunned. Not a word is spoken. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to this kind of report.
Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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