Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
A soft hearted guy
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, ‘why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
Bring them along,’ the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, ‘Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost 3 foot high’
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Welcome to the world
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.' She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
10 dollar bill
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, why are you arguing?
One boy answers, we found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie.
You should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher.
When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher....
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Itch
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with very large breasts. Sir Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this very reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he just had to try...
One day Sir Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio said that he would arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 100 gold coins. Without pause Nick readily agreed...
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Sir Nick because of the wound he received while slaying the Dragon, would work as an antidote.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sir Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder. Sir Nick quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sir Nick worked passionately on the Queen's breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sir Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero...
Upon returning to his chamber, Sir Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 100 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, Sir Nick told Horatio to get lost...
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sir Nick...
Company Picnic
For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, they could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...
The guy was fired for ordering the cups.
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